Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
